I remember once a couple years ago I was thinking about comitting suicide. I made a book that explained how and why I was going to kill myself. I had set a date and time I was going to do it. That date and time was May 2nd, 1999 12:00a.m. I wrote in the book my judgement for every person I had encountered seen or met. I wished the darkest of things on my family. Death, Crime, Pain all of which they had put me thru, I felt they needed to feel. I remember saying to myself so many times "life will be better if you dont have to live it." Well little did I know at the time suicide isnt the way out. I remember one time I was going to try to impale myself and my father saw me. He asked me what I was doing. Scared of what might have come of it I made up a lame reason. "I am making a new magic trick up." Thats all I could make up. But to my shock he believed me. The rest of the night I layed low. The very next night I was doing something pretty regular for me. Inserting needles into my wrists. I had my whole wrist full of needles. I thought that physical pain was better than emotional pain. I still feel that emotional pain is worst physical pain. Well To my dismay my sister a few days later found my book I had wrote. I cried so much for the fact that my parents scolded me instead of trying to help and understand me. They called me stupid and never tried to help. On several occasions my father would say "Go ahead and kill yourself you gotta do what you gotta do". I frown greatly on him for having said that. I know now how much he cares about me, none . As of recently he has laid off and I have stopped my own physical pain. I have learned that for every pain there is, there is a greater one to be felt.

01/12/02
It seems to me that life has thrown tons of things on me all of a sudden and I have no escape. I actually shed tears last night. I have shed no tears for a few years at least. The tears I shed where over a friend I lost when I was really young. I am going to tell you the events and causes of his death. I had known this guy since I was a baby. He was my moms best friends son. My mom isnt very social so I can say that is was pretty much her main and only real friend...so we thought. Well His name was Jason. Jason and I where the best of friends. Jason was about 14 I believe when he died. Jason lived his life so innocently and so good. I remember how his sister was given so much and her room was filled with toys. I would go into Jasons room to play and he had the following in his room. Plain walls a small single bed a dressor with a few cloths and a big toy chest. But when you opened the toy box there was only a rubber dinosaur toy an easter egg and something my mind cannot recall. It was so sad to see him given so little. His parents also abused him. I remember seeing him on several occassions with black eyes and once with a broken arm. I must say I was about 8 at the time and did not fully understand. I always liked Jason so much, even thru all the abuse he suffered from he never complained. He always seemed so happy and full of life. He never would talk about his black eyes or anything that happened at his home. He was always truthfull and never told a lie. Well like I said before his parents really really abused him. Here is how he died. His father purposely through a cigarette into the sofa in their house knowing it would catch on fire. Than he fled the house. Soon the whole house was in flames. The mother went back in and got Jasons sister, but that was it. She made no attempt to save Jason from the fire. The firefighters said he died in a closet with his teddybear in his arms, he died from inhaling smoke. My anger grows for the fact that I know she could have saved Jasons life. Well once all these events had happened. Everyone went to his funeral. His own dad did not attend though. I remember asking to see Jason in the coffin, it was probably the first death experience I had ever encountered. I remember the casket being closed and I wanted so badly to see my one friend, my true friend. I remember seeing the casket and trying to get to it to see him but I was held back by my mother and father and than told soon after that the reason I could not see him was because the fire and smoke had melted and disstorted his face. I never again got to see my one true, true friend. His face I can only see in my mind. The casket was so small. I know for a fact Jason is a lot better off now. I know he is playing with God in heaven and is finally getting what he deserves. . . Love. The tears I shed last night where tears for Jason. I also remember some time after Jasons death his mom saying I miss my baby and other nonsense things like that. I know truly she did not care about him. Her tears she cried were not real and she will know one day the pain of his death and soon after will see her own. I still have a couple of toys he and I played with. And I know I will always keep them. Jason why did you have to go? But I do see why. I Love You buddy and I hope to see you again one day. I will see you in my dreams. Love Always Your friend. Forever, Dennis