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December 09, 2007 6:14pm
Well it has indeed been a long time since I last
wrote. I have been as one might say busy. I was working two jobs basically work shower sleep repeat. I have yet another car....2005
Hyundai Elantra.... I had a 2001 Ford ZX2... but my parents were driving anda guy hit them and my car was totaled. Im just
thankful my mother is ok. The car I have now is really good on gas but not as quick as I would want. I just finished a couple
of hours ago working 13 hours straight today and yesterday I got up at 2am to work from 3am till around 3-4pm. I was technically
fired by Wal-Mart a few days ago....probably the single greatest thing that has happened to me. Wal-Mart is a company that
doesnt let you get anywhere especially if you are assertive and stand up for yourself. I got into it with a manager that doesnt
even speak english..Im not knocking other nationalitys but damn..... if your going to manage english speaking people at least
learn how to speak it. In two days with Acosta Ive made as much as Wal-Mart would pay me for 2 weeks worth of work.. which
goes to show something. On to other things I must say life has evened out for me it seems. I have the occasional off day here
and there though. I have the joy of my nephews to brighten me up most of the time. I went back to the old graveyard I slept
in as a child.... it was a warm night and rather nice to be able to go somewhere there is complete peace. I actually ended
up falling asleep in the graveyard underneath this big cedar tree. Things arn't so bad now that I am older and wiser. One
thing I realize is that sometimes no matter how hard it is.. you just have to stick it out battle through it and eventually
things will even out. I am working on my GED. One of my biggest regrets is that I yes I will admit didnt finish High School....but
I am one class away from being able to take the tests and bettering myself. I still so much enjoy the darker more odd things
in life. Another cool once your older is the fact that there is much more freedom than when your young. I am slowly working
on this site trying to get it back to number one on the search lists. I hope all who take of this site enjoy. I am a single
person, an individual... I choose my own path and walk it with certainty that I will make it through life just fine. As Always
Darkest of Days/Nights to you.
~Mortuos~
February 03, 2007 8:39am
Well I have changed my job at walmart from Stocking overnight
to doing maintenance overnight. It isnt the most exciting thing but its much easier work. The day job is going well for me
though and Im making pretty good money between $10 and $24 an hour. With any luck I may be able to pick up more hours with
the day job so I can cut the overnight one back a bit. Lately I have been strongly fighting my depression as it never really
ever went away, its more like I bottled it up and kept it locked away, which I fear has done more harm than good. I had a
trip planned for two weeks starting on the 11th of Feb and going to the 25th but as far as I can tell that has been completely
blown out of the water. Nothing ever tends to go right in my life. I thought maybe I could escape things for a whyle, go away
just basically take myself from my life here, but it seems fate would not have it so. I feel as though destiny has me by the
neck slowly choking the life out of me. I am in eternal repetition of work work work sleep work work work. I have come to
the conclusion that everytime I feel as though I have a taste of happiness like the forbidden fruit it is pulled away from
me and Im thrown into a downward spiral basically to reawaken my former self and become who i once was. I have so far avoided
the cutting, needles, drugs, etc. I see my spirit shattering. I picked up the bible the other day for inspiration but the
person that inspired me to pick it up basically walked out of my life. It figures like all else pain and sorrow. My family
is happy as long as they ignore me and the pain I am feeling. I try to talk to them but its like I am invisible. I am a living
ghost. Nothing I do is ever good enough for anyone, I am breathing failure at almost everything. Im the type of person who
could probably take a bullet and laugh at it, but let something tragic happen in my life and I am basically torn apart from
the inside. I used to pray for God to help me, now I pray to not wake up before I sleep. Maybe I should be medicated, sedated
so that I have a false sense of reality, so that I think everything is perfectly fine. Or maybe I should just go ahead get
a razor and end all this and not waste anyone elses time or energy... I swear I do not know what keeps me here. I have no
strength and yet I go on. I walk and stumble and now it feels as though I am on my hands crawling pulling myself along. A
person can only get so low before they are in the ground completely. What path in life should I take? I dont want to be preached
to anymore, I dont want to be saved, I just want to rest, the kind where you dont wake up. Now you can say im stupid, dumb,
retarded, whatever but live through the stuff Ive been through. Some people say well you choose to feel the way you feel and
not to see the brighter side of life. Well to those people I say this....enjoy the life you have, walk in the illusion that
is the world... but look deeper and you will see you will have the same fate as me ultimately we all just die. I just want
to be happy in life, to not know sadness, yes I know it is a part of life, but must I feel this way all the time? I curse
my parents for bringing me into this God forsaken world. I seek to erase my name from the book of life, so that my soul will
be torn apart and there will no longer be anything at all. Funny how in life there is everything from the self-righteous to
the self-mutilators.....lol. Well I will part with these words. I dont wish death on anyone and i dont hate anyone aside from
myself. As Always Darkest of Days/Nights to you.
~Mortuos~
November 11, 2006
It has been a short time since I last wrote or even
looked at my site. Not much has happened in my life. My sister recently gave birth to her first child Nathan Christopher DiGiacomo....poor
child may never learn to spell his whole name. Work at Wal-Mart has been going both good and bad. I got coached not
long ago on productivity though if you ask anyone there I am seen as someone who busts there tail and gets a lot done. Oh
well its never ceases to amaze me how you can kill yourself for a company and be told its not good enough. I mean with 4 years
experience stocking I only make like 8 dollars an hour. Im worth 8 dollars an hour to Wal-Mart and Ive told my bosses to expect
me to do 8 dollars an hour worth of work. I lift perhaps the heaviest stuff in all the store and yet i get no appreciation...
my life is all about failure. I know there are those of you that will say look for the good in life or just kill yourself...all
I have to say to that is dont judge me as there is no one living or dead that can judge anyone. I feel pressured as always
to freakin settle down and start a family, by my father. He doesn't seem to understand I am afraid, yes I said it afraid...
to bring a child into this world and for them to even slightly have to endure anything that I have been through in my life.
I think it would be unfair. Life is what you make of it is what I have always been told. Can you honestly believe that? I
mean what if your born, you grow and all around you there is nothing but anger, pain, sorrow, and you wish for the strength
to just be able to cry to vent your pain? Than can you say life is what you make of it? The only thing I fear in life
besides the idea of bringing a child into this world is myself. I fear one day I will give in to the suicidal/depressed side
of me and just take the gun load it and end it all. I saw something on tv the other day posing the question does heaven
really exsist. I say to myself would I even want to go to heaven if it does. I mean would it be heaven if my mom wasnt there?
If my sister and brother weren't there? Could I find strength in forever being around a God I felt had abandoned me all
my mortal life? Where would my happiness lie? I dare say I just prefer my soul to be torn from the fabrics of time
than rather endure eternity. Mind you I do believe in God and that sure I cut him down in a lot of ways and in many
ways it was not he but I who failed him, I do respect him though I do not choose a specific religious denomination. I
can just as well say I am muslim,jewish,catholic or any other faith. I mean I doubt Gods exsistance from time to time but
I just dont know. God is like Santa Claus to me in a lot of ways at times. When i was young I really bought the whole
idea that Santa brought all those great presents for me. I thought he was as real as you and I, the same for God. But than
as I got older I found out that there is no Santa only my parents buying the gifts. Well it was believe in God 100% as a child
and than now 50% of the time. Though i dont believe in Santa at all...lol. Ever feel empty? Random yes I know just a question
though. I wish there was someone or someway for me to know my life has a purpose. Id give anything to know there was
reason. Im hanging on barely in life, down to my last hand hanging from the cliff known as life. I feel as though
at any point in time my grasp may be lost and all will fade to eternal darkness, for my soul to never be resurrected.
Fade watch it all fade away... words from a song.... that remind me of my life. I dont know perhaps somewhere over the twisted
rainbow there is happiness for me. . .
Well Darkest of Days/Nights to you as always,
~Mortuos~
Sept 13, 2006 1:11am
Where to start...I finally have started building credit, allowing for hopefully an easier
future. Work has somewhat leveled out. Though where I work there is constant drama and foolishness. Lately my life has consisted
of this routine. Work..sleep...eat...shower work...repeat. Heck even on my days off Ive let the world pass me by by just sleeping
forgetting this life that there is. Its weird because I used to stay out walking the streets at all hours of the night searching
for what i never knew. My new thing I am telling my family and anyone who asks is that hopefully by 25, I will expire. Of
course that is of natural means. I have come a long way since my many suicide attempts, one thing I guess that helped me get
through a lot of it was the fact that i have filled my life with work and nothing else. Im never home and if I am, I am usually
asleep so that took out all the drama with my father and I. Lately ive looked at my sister and brother and the happiness that
they have, it seems as if they are completely and truely happy with the places in life that they have. I have hope that one
day I may find such happiness, but than also my hopes arnt high. I feel a great pressure from my family to start a family,
have children and all these other things. I am just now beginning to be able to manage myself, so i know I am not ready for
a wife and 2.3 kids. Once I pictured myself well established not rich but comfortable, and having a good life. I guess what
ruined that image is the darkness of my past. I cant help but think, were I not so reckless in my younger days would things
be different now? I mean looking back if I had looked at the warning signs for things such as my past relationships
I probably wouldnt have dated the people i have dated. But as always its through what we experience in life that we learn
best. Sure someoen can say oh this is how this is but until you actually experiecnce it for yourself, theres no real true
way you know what its like. It was the 5 year anniversary of 9/11 just a couple of days ago. So many peoples lifes over in
a matter of minutes. Terribly sad but yet I am a bit angered by the decisions that were made to give the families of the victims
millions of dollars. I mean what about the Oklahoma bombings, or people that are massacared in school shootings? None of those
people were compensated like those of 9/11, Which leads me to my next statement, the American Government is broken from within.
Now dont get my wrong I am extremely patriotic. But there is chaos amongst the order, a chaos which is growing and will grow
over time. The leaders of today are merely molding whom they wish to be the leaders of tomorrow. But there is hope America
will sing songs of praise when one day a poor man becomes president. Im not saying all rich people are only in love with money
but the majority care more about money than they do about the people for which they are appointed to represent. It sickens
me to have heard the Head of the 9/11 compensation program say that the rich were dissapointed they didnt get more money.
And that of all the families 7 people refused the money. I mean what drives most things in America now is money. Money
now buys so much more than materialistic things, it can even buy peoples morals. Heres a prediction I have for the next 5
years, to be figured out by those who take time and untwist the twisted words. " A Flag of 3 colors will be covered
in blood, from nature a number, and another number from war, the last number will be the number of the opposing flags, and
the colors they bear. Once every color of the Flag of 3 is covered in blood, finally will come new order. Well A
bit of a riddle but lets just see how much of that actually happens I know what it means and any thoughts or guesses
to its meaning are welcomed just email me. I leave with this thought, learn to see with your eyes closed the the truth will
come in a dream. As Always darkest of days/nights to you.
~Mortuos~
7/30/06 1:46pm
Well let me think... as so much has happened. I dont even know where to begin. My sister
is pregnant due in either November or December, she is going to have a boy..Nathan he is to be called. My brother got
out of jail and is now living happily with his girlfriend and his son, I call my brothers son Buddha, inside joke. My job
working overnight at Ashland Wal-Mart is bout the dumbest job in the world. Im overworked and underpaid but hey thats life
Im told. I got coached ( which is the equivalent of a referral in school) for saying someone did a half-assed job. One of
the overnight managers wont quit riding my back, and she has been pissing me off harrassing me and a few other people. I swear
if I was only born a woman she and I would have been out in the parking lot battling it out by now. Lifes been boring I sleep
my days away and on my days off I spend them recovering from basically overworking myself. I have a huge scar on my arm now
from where I basically was peeling my skin off of it... I was depressed and no it was not for suicidal purposes. I just cant
seem to find what Im meant for in life as far as work goes. I joke around all the time about wanting to work with nonliving
people, like in a morgue or something. Heck I think I would take great pleasure in being like an Undertaker or someone that
buries people at funerals. It would be a bit satisfying to know that someone is able to escape this world and have to no longer
bear the sadness that is life. I see my brother and sister both with such great lives happy living life to the fullest and
than I see myself alone, struggling to keep myself sane in this insane world, fighting daily to find reason to life. I mean
perhaps its not meant for me to know what fufillment is in life for having so many times tried to end my life prematurally.
Maybe its God punishing me for wanting out of this world and giving up on him along with everything else in life. I find myself
searching for darkness in the light always looking for some unknown in life to help me find what I feel is missing. Many people
have told me look at the positive blah blah blah... Ive searched for almost 20 damned years for a positive and I cant
find one. Maybe I should go on Dr.Phil and see what he has to say about my life and perpetual sadness....right...lol. Im
currently working on getting a new car Ive opened a checking account and Im slowly making it easier to find
somewhere to start a new life. I dont know I suppose I should try to sleep now as I have to work again tonight at 10pm and
its already 2:12pm now. Well as always Darkest of Days/Nights to you.
~Mortuos~
01/12/06 10:22pm
Where to start? Right now my life feels like its running by and Im the only one in slow motion. It seems as a new
week starts once I feel adjusted the week is gone already. Its a new year and I've so many new takes on life. Right
now Ive a really sore throat and It seems the holes in the back of my throat I get once yearly have reappeared. Its probably
something I should see a doctor about, but whats the point when all that will happen is Ill end up paying out a
lot of money for no real reason. Have you ever felt like your not meant to be here? Of if there is somewhere
else in life your supposed to be? Thats where I am at right now. I feel as though I should be someplace else
doing better in life. The stuff with my pyscho exgirlfriend has finally ended I went to court and nothing happened they pretty
much dismissed all charges being as the state told me pretty much she had no evidence and that didnt believe her. So
there was 850 dollars for a lawyer that went pretty much no where. I work my life away and have almost no time to enjoy
anything. I stop to think wheres my money all going? Than I break it down bills bills bills. I've plenty of money but what
good is money when you dont get the chance to get out and do something with it. Tomorrow being my only day off this week Ill
spend laying down in bed or on the couch trying to feel better and let my body recoperate from all the work as well as my sore
throat/cold. At work today i got into an argument with my Sisters Husbands sister who seems to think shes above
me, though shes not... she was like ur not sick and all this other shit. I was like do u need me to get a flashlight
to show u the holes in my throat? I was supposed to get off early.. I got off a whole 5 mins early.. WOW!!... I swear
work will be the death of me if it continues this way. My whole body just feels like one day im going to be working and than bam
my body is going to give out and im going to collapse. Ive someone in life Im interested in.. shes the most sweet
and beautiful person in the world its almost as if God himself decided to ease some of the sorrow on me... and introduce her
to me. I cannot be more thankful as honestly its the thought of her that has gotten me through soooo many days lately. Ive
a planned trip to Lousianna coming up in like a month and Im not sure how it will go but I know my body is ready for the break
from work. I swear I do everything at my job there is to do in one day possible. Its sad but yet It doesnt hit me or
my body till I get off when I realize Ive either burned myself on the grill or something else.I dunno I guess I will
go for now with the thought of that special someone I mentioned earlier and perhaps try to feel better as I am hoping
life will get easier once I feel better. As Always Darkest of Days/Nights to you.
~Mortuos~
November 22 2:11am 11/22/05
Well lately Ive had a world of stuff going through my mind. I went to court in regard to my
exgirlfriend they didnt dismiss the charges but instead did a nolle prosequi... which basically means no prosecution(its latin)
so I wasnt found innocent or guilty. Its funny my lawyer told me the states lawyers were talking to her and they flat out
told her she had no evidence and would probably not win being as there was nothing to suggest what she was had be arrested
for actually happened. So in summing it up I invited a girl i dated and her daughter into my home took care of them both for
almost a year than she turned psycho and ended up costing my bout a grand in having paid for a lawyer. Funny how even when
I try and do something nice and have a relationship life flips it on me and it bites me in the ass. Must I always have bad
experiences from girls i date? Perhaps I've just poor taste in girls. Im currently having doubts bout being a manager at my
work. I mean its a lot of responsibility and well I just dont want someone elses faults to fall on me. Ive enough of my own
stuff to deal with from time to time to be overwhelmed by managing an entire restaurant. I mean here I am no real achievements
in life 19 years old and Im offered a damn good paying job with the ability to become a store manager in the future and I
feel as though its just too much right now in life. Im listening to Leonard Skynards song SimpleMan sung by Shinedown and
it completely relates to my life right now. I mean I am honestly nothing more than a simple shall we say man. Ive so much
food on my table right now and its like im not hungry....things could be going better. I dunno maybe its the lonely feeling
knowing last Christmas i had a girlfriend and basically a daughter though she wasnt mine and well things were perfect. I just
remember seeing Mya(my exs babygirl) trying to open her presents and I know thats gone. Its hard knowing that was my only
time to experience something like that. I just have no direction to my life or at least it seems i dont sure manager than
store manager work party a little thats bout it. I dunno its just a _____ in life it feels. I dunno what it is Im supposed
to do in life or why Im here but thats a question we all wonder. I think Ill add some poetry soon as I feel more inspiration
is coming back for me to write bout. Also soon Ill be getting my first tattoo a grim reaper, I know not really original but
its only the first.. and no I dont plan on having like a hundred just a couple. The grim reaper is actually a tribute to a
friend of mines father that passed away last March i believe it was. Yes I know a grim reaper is a weird way to honor someone
but his father had a tattoo similar to it so I figure its appropriate. I mean this was Jeff who was like a father to me for
so muc of my younger life. He is truely missed. Such a great person taken by cancer due to heavy drinking...gosh I know my
friend misses his dad. I mentioned Jeff in my suicide letter(the one here on this site from a long time ago) he was Hunters
dad and Sharons husband. Another case were it hits u and u realize life is so short and can come to such a quick
unexpected end. Well Jeff will never be forgotten... at least not by me. I guess Ive went on long enough so ill
leave with some words of my own...,"We are each like a breeze travelling through this life..containing both warm(good
times) and cold(bad times) air which is varied in its length and intensity." As always I wish u the reader a dark day/night.
~Mortuos~
November 7th 2005 1:02am....11/7/05
Its not been long since I last wrote but just recently Ive found a passion in this cess pool we call life.
The passion is human nature, lately ive kind of just set back and let things come and pass and I have noticed some of the
most interesting and yet strangely thought provoking things. Today well actually yesterday I started working back at a former
job I thought I would never return to... good ol McDonalds. Its funny I told myself I would never work there again and yet
my sister persuaded me to go back. Its an easy job and believe it or not the money isnt bad like people think well that is
at least if u know the right people and ur sister is the assistant store manager. Im also still working on building dog kennels/pins
(whatever u prefer to call them) for a lady that breeds pit bulls, beautiful dogs I have to say but not my preffered breed.
Im planning on getting a couple of Emperor Scorpions within the next few weeks, as well as someone is giving me another fish
tank only this one holds over 100 gallons. I see it now later in life im going to be some old hermit guy that
has a completely gloomy house with all sorts of oddities and strange things... u know the type people are like stay away from
old mans ___ house its haunted bad things happen there.. . LoL. Im starting to feel as though mentally im returning to my
darker desires in life as lately i find myself wanting to return to the graveyard I slept in as a child as well as visit other
graveyards I frequented so long ago. I know no matter what life I may lead if I do ever find someone they will have to share
my deep and devoted love of the darkness/unknown. As I sit here and write this I know there is more to life than what the
world wants us to see. I mean Ive experienced and seen things that cant be humanly or logicially explained. Having studied
every religion i could possibly find Im finding links in everyone that ties them all together. I know there are answers and
I strive to find those I seek. For anyone reading this that feels alone,scared, or confused your not alone. So many in this
world share in the pain of life which is part of the unknown I feel we should embrace. Im not saying to love pain but more
so to accept it as just different acts in life as if its a play God puts us through to see if there is a good or bad ending.
I recently found a suicide letter in my car from someone I dont know whom has actually completed his life and ended his sorrows
his letter states he wishes the world to see it and I feel it fair if after censoring certain parts of it I share it with
everyone on here. I must say he though i did not know him appears to have had the soul of a true poet. Its funny you
always see and read that saying,"Suicide would be my way of telling God I quit."... but its not until u actually read something
from someone whos no longer on the same playing field ur on that it hits u and u realize ur own mortality. I mean hell before
I read the letter I myself didnt actually honestly appreciate life as much as I do in having read it and knowing he is no
longer among the living but is in or on a different level of exsistance. Its not until we part this world that we know the
true meaning of life as I have come to understand it. I'm not sure where to post his last letter on here but Ill have it up
soon. I really think for those that are presently lost it will give hope to you. I fought my depression and suicidal tendencys
for so long and I can say I have won all the battles thus far but its safe to say I will always have war with my choice of
life or death. I dont think its unfair to taunt death but looking back I am somewhat overwhelmed when reading everything on
here. Ive chronicled my life on this site and have seen that sorrow is a part of my exsistance. You know Ive never understood
the people that say fuck goths or down people that are overwhelmed like myself whether they be in high school middle
school or not even in school...I cant tell you how many emails Ive gotten from people saying u should die u satan worshipping
blah blah blah..etc. Its the people like those i just mentioned that make life often so unbearable. I mean now that
Ive grown up so to speak and am 19 I dont get shit for being who i am. But in high school my freshman year I was Dracula or
just the guy that u thought twice bout approaching. Its just beyon my mental capacity to understand why people must torment
other people in such ways. I know now though in looking back that though people can judge others, they themselves have skeletons
in their closests and often more than not they have more problems than those they oppress or attempt to intimidate. Well Ive
went on long enough for now. I shall part for now but if ever u wish to perhaps open a path into ur own mental stream just
pull back in life and search in the deepest and darkest parts of your mind and perhaps maybe youll find answers. As Always
Darkest days/nights to you.
~Mortuos~
10/11/05 4:37pm
Well, So much has happened since I last wrote. Ive been thrown into so many different
directions lately that I lay often at night dreaming of literally being torn into pieces. Where should I start oh wait I know.
I dated this girl Sara for almost 10 months a girl ive wanted to be with since my freshman year in highschool. Well heres
the background on her. She in highschool wrote me a letter asking if i liked her. Of course I did, we than would become "friends"
well instead of dating me she started dating my cousin completely forgeting about me. I still after this cared for her. Well
she got to where she called me crying at like 2 in the morning and I would stay up talking on the phone with her until she
felt some what better. So after time him abusing her she broke up with him and we started hanging back out. Than I started
going where she babysat and a few things happened and we had gotten closer again. So i thought she would want a relationship
so I went over there one day with every intention of asking her out next thing I know theres this guy from school with her
in the living room and she is making out with him and everything else. So my heart was broken. A year or so past I got a call
from her after having had no contact with her. She told me she had a daughter(with a different guy) and she wanted to know
if we could become friends again. I for some reason stil loved this girl. Well we became friends and started dating. It started
with my mom babysitting Saras babygirl well instead of Sara picking her daughter up she kept going to this guy she met at
work and had only known for like a weeks house to have sex with him. Well I later found out but for some reason still loved
her. Anyways after all this she and i started a relationship, she and her daughter moved in with me. Well bout 10 months time
went by things were pretty good or so i thought, I mean her daughter which just recently turned 1 had started calling me daddy
and loved me like she would her real father who is actually Gay and wishes nothing to do with her. Well all of a sudden
one day Sara said to me she was moving out and into the hotel she worked out. This seemed fishy to me because I
knew she was into a Contractor who was working at the hotel. Well some time passed we were still friends next thing I know
she goes and has me arrested trying to say I emailed pictures of her having sex with a black guy to her mom and other family/friends.
As well as she claims I assaulted her and harrased her on the phone. So in total 3 charges for things I didnt do and have
no idea how she came up with. I loved this girl with all my heart and now It has been ripped from my body yey again. I am
left feeling like there is no love for me in this world and that God intends on me being alone for all eternity. Ive
to go to court of the 15th of November to see what my fate will be from the charges she took out on me, yet though i am completely
innocent I may go to jail for 3 years because she turned psycho on me. My life will forever be changed now because of this
girl. I just wish in life to find someone i can love and adore and all I ask in exchange is for them to assure me every once
in a whyle that there is some reason to my life. You know I must surely be a fool because in my heart I still love what I
thought was the girl of my dreams which was Sara. Though I know now it was all just a mask that she had on. Also recently
my sister married her long time boyfriend, the italian, giving her the last name DiGiacomo... goofy but kinda scarface sound
to it. Presently Im unemployed as I just quit my job I had at Giant in the Bakery. There was simply too much crap to deal
with from the Baker Barbara there. Shes the kind of person who finds ways to make u feel stupid. Well thats really all thats
been going on i can think of at this moment its not too much but its a load to actually go through and experience. Ive just
reached the conclusion I am and will forever be Alone.
~Mortuos~
11/05/03
To start out with the way things that have been going on as of late would be like opening Pandoras box. So
much has happened within the past week, that I feel obligated to document on one form or another what has happened. Well I
find it time to open the box and let out everything held within it. Everything is not what it seems like it is, no matter
how hard we desire for some things to be something stuff just simply isn't. The boy that has been staying with my family has
stolen cigars from his mother and has been smoking them. Everyone just found this out on this day though I told them before
now that he was doing it, its like I am the one really trying to help the boy by disciplining him and taking him out to have
some fun when he deserves it. My parents and everyone else feels I should give him more praise, but I am unable to praise
those not worthy of it. I just don't see how this one boy could have pulled the wool over so many peoples eyes. He is a pathological
liar and knowing the definition of that I have learned his ways and watched every action of his. I had to wake this morning
to my mother arguing with the kid him denying having done anything and her insisting he did (despite me having told her many
times before which she chooses time and time again to not take my word) Apparently the kid had taken(this I caution/warn is
highly disturbing) some tampons that had been underneath the sink in a box and put them in the toilet playing with them than
put them into the trash can beside the toilet. This boy has caused a ton of problems within my home, I feel though that he
can be helped. (maybe I am looking for good where there can be none) It is my believe that he is young and has much energy
and that it would help if he has more activity that was productive to do, I cannot get this to happen because I have no one
that is willing to work with me to get this to happen. So I am damned to spend many more restless night because of his constant
flipping and turning, screaming in his sleep, talking in his sleep, etc. I swear that I sincerely hope to find rest soon for
my body is weak with pain that has filled it as of late. I have thought of many things to perhaps write a book about later
on in life. I was supposed to be in school today which I had every intention of going, but alas even the slightest confrontation
now leaves me too tired to function properly. There are times when I feel too sane for this world and I see things too clear
and feel almost as if it would be best for me to be committed to a place where I would have to feel nothing at all, since
as I see it the world is cold. It is rare now that emotion is displayed as it should be, so many forget to take anger and
create good with it, a lesson that even I had not seen until shown by the outstanding man that is known as Mr. Tice. On the
subject of school my classes arent that hard, it just seems that things as of late have been on a constant downhill flow.
I like most all of my classes but feel there is a single teacher that doesn't seem to understand/care at all. This teacher
being Mrs. Coffield (the name may be wrong but there is always intention) I just feel she takes her job not in the sense of
pleasure but in the sense of I have to do this everyday so should you. I honestly don't feel she is fit with the perfect career
though she may be good at it, she displays selective interest with students and shows not the same to all. I myself display
much interest in all we do in her class while others I feel I need no reason here to lie those that play sports just walk
all over her and many other teacher in that school. Every athlete in Caroline High School that is involved in football or
cheerleading is given special interests by those that see the game as keeping the school together. I'm not passing judgment
as it is not mine to pass, but I am always left thinking at the end of each day, what more than a game, do most of those students
have to live for after high school. Many of the students on the football team in the High School, are undoubtedly using illegal
drugs. Now I myself have tried many things at my young age and will be the first as well to say that I am not perfect, and
that no one should ever look up to me. But I find it hard to believe that these players/participants will see much less than
what they should as far as the skills they will need in life to be successful. In the school I attend your life is based on
not educational ability in many instances but more so athletic ability. The school I attend is filled with counselors that
are unsure of their jobs, a head principal that only does what she wants and looks out for those she sees fit to, ensuring
that many students are denied the right to an all around adequate education. But on the other hands there are numerous teachers
and a couple vice principals that I have seen to try their hardest and even go out on a limb for students that have it in
their hearts to learn. It is my opinion that the students that don't wish to learn should not be allowed in the school, I
know many places where it is like this and feel that the school I attend would do better if such students were shall I say
dealt with. Well for the moment I have ranted long enough. I just feel that honestly the school I attend is damned no matter
what they do because of the cycle of life that is a part of this area in which I life, is it not true that when your born
your born into a cycle/culture that changes and evolves but not always for the better? This is a though I have developed and
feel should be shared with others. As always good day/night to you and forgive me for having wasted your time if you feel
it is wasted. Put science against religion and it isn't fact nor God that wins only the choice that you have decided to let
win in your own mind.
~Mortuos~
10/25/03
Well things could be a lot better for me, I almost lost a toe in a sense, I was debating "God" with
my parents and jumped up to prove a point only to have my toe sliced into 3 chunks by the corner of the bed. I sat from 8:30pm
on that Wednesday night till 4:30am that Thursday morning in the emergency room only to have nothing done and for the doctor
to take his sweet time, I was supposed to get 3 stitches but I walked out because i was tired of waiting for the doctor. It
was my moms idea for me to go. I still search for a job and needless to say missed Thursday and Friday because I could barely
walk. Well school goes well, but I do so wish to quit but cannot as others have faith in me, if i graduate I do not for myself
as I just assume be dead than alive but I would do it for those that wish me to. Well for the moment I am in much pain as
my toe basically is ripped, I play my own doctor as it is cheap and somewhat entertaining, if i wrap my foot too tight it
goes numb if not tight enough i bump it and it hurts trial and error . Well the pain causes me to actually tire which isnt
a bad thing, I have much to do in the morrow school wise. A new quote of my own, "We all taste different parts of hell in
our lives its in death we decide which part we liked the most."
~Mortuos~
09/29/03
Needless to say it has been sometime. My mind is filled more now with thoughts than ever before in
my life. So many ideas for photographs I desire to take. I have missed a few days of school due to the hurricane. I know that
this school year will be tough but I am determined to make it 4 times better than last year as far as my attendance which
I will have to step up on. I need to find a job but a job desires not to be found by me. I feel like a shadow more now than
I have ever in my life. I can drift to one thing and than another without any interference at all. I need to find a place
I can call home and settle for I have been growing tired of the enviroment I have lived in. I am 17 now and feel as though
if i had one more year under my belt I could own some type of home and have the job i want. I have picked up the pen rarely
as of late as I have been on a writing block from hell. At times I feel moments where the words could flow but am away from
all means of recording my thoughts. I must establish a role in school of a outstanding student in order to achieve what I
wish in school this year. That means I must start going everyday come straight home do work here and as well as find a job
to carry out on the weekends. I have lived with, "The Kid" for a good length of time. Each day it feels as if I lose a part
of my true self. I am in an enviroment where I know not what to do. I feel trapped pinned in a corner, prayed upon by all
that find me. In order for me to take the classes in school I will need my principal has asked I write her a letter documenting
every single absent last year. I know that is impossible as I havent recorded the days I worked versus tiredness or sickness.
When presented with the situation I have now all has changed and I am run out of my home by my sister her boyfriend, my brother,
the kid and my parents. My house cannot facilitate all of the people that stay in it. I feel out of place and thrown out like
old laundry that someone didnt feel needed washed any longer. I sleep terribly as the kid screams, and talks in his sleep.
The kid which I have been told to name but cannot trys to mimic what I do and like. I am no mentor I thought at first the
task of preparing someone for the false world but true world we live in would be easy, however he is unwilling to reach halfway
and wishes to remain in his own reality/world. Myself being confused have known not where to look. I have been found doing
things that wouldnt be me. I have become what the world wishes me to be..... part of everything that is. I am a comformity
and yet odd strange and rare I still am. Found scattered are people like myself but never in large groups. My dream is to
organize those like myself and discuss everything that arises, both good and bad. It feels good to write again, I had almost
forgotten what it felt like to display everything in my life world wide on the internet so that those that look can find the
information they seek. This site has become a sanctuary for some and source of inspiration for others. I ask all that read
to take not lightly what is read here as it can be buried deep within everyone. I have been asked lately how I feel. My response
has been, " I almost feel..." Striving to feel truely something I have done all my life, the question remains before my death
will i have ever truely known what it is to feel or will I have made my own interpretation of the word and created my own
feelings that in truth may be the opposite of what the word feeling means. I see each day things that could amaze, stun, scare
or alarm the usual person. To question is to seek answers... but yet sometimes to answer creates more questions than what
originally exsisted. I ask myself where do the saying as that written above come from as they just float into my
world of thought and out of it. I leave now with a thought for you the reader....If every time you awoke you were asked how
do you feel, what would be your number one response? I leave this question here as I will post it on my board as well for
you/the people to answer. Good day/night to you. And remember sometimes things are hidden for a purpose!!
~Mortuos~
08/01/03
It has been a good amount of time since I have last written. I
know I have somewhat strayed from working here on my site. It seems this has again become the one place I may write anything
that I desire. Well to start I no longer work at McDonalds. There was a big confrontation that started and I simply no longer
felt like dealing with it. I did dispicable this last school year, receiving only one passing grade. I know the cause of the
failure is due to having worked so much. One thing I have found is that no matter how hard I work it seems I gain nothing
from it. I've not much to show for the work I have done. I no longer find myself seeking someone to share life with and to
love, for it is clear that in a world of nothing..love cannot exsist.I might soon apply at a Wal-Mart that has just been built
close to the McDonalds I worked at. I usually do good at anything I do but for some reason I feel that I will again fail.
Speaking of failing it seems my life is slowly doing just that. I've seen a couple girls here and there that have caught my
attention, but I find it challenging to approach someone and say I am attracted to them when I know so little of the word.I
swear every day of my life I question my exsistance, why I have to wake, breath, feel. It seems it would be better to live
in a utopian society in which all are equal but the thought of such a thing eludes me and makes me see that difference is
good. I find that in this life it's somewhat less difficult to live everyday by disecting things around me, seeing what makes
cycles stay unbroken. Boredom struck me the other day so I decided to start writing a book that some have long anticipated.
A book of my life, feelings, and things that few desire to want to feel or experience. But hey think about it at one time
everything was unknown, it is only after discovery that things are found good or bad. I haven't found someone to publish it
yet as I am still working on the book. My only real dream in this life is to create a book which all can relate to, such a
book will generate happiness, pain, sorrow, love, depression and every feeling available for the reader. I think if I ever
find a way to achieve this book I speak of I will find a way to resolve everything deep within me that rips apart all that
I am. Sometimes I confuse myself, since when I write it is moslty in rIddlEs. I leave for now with this, soon I shall add
some of my deepest thoughts to this site, many you might not like, some you might..all thats left is for you to read further
into my mind....if you so choose to.
~Mortuos~
03/24/03
Well things have been rather intreresting lately, I have been working pretty hard but about
a week ago told my boss that I will no longer close during the school week due to the fact that they are closing an hour later
because summer hastely aprroaches. I have spoken with a few of my teachers about school the ones I have seem willing to work
with me and its easy to see they are truely dedicated to their jobs, something I honor. I still have Burke-Geometry( I almost
know she will say no to helping me for all other attempts of mine have been met with its your fault your not in school everyday
when she doesnt know my life outside of school and home situation. I hope the other teacher Ratliff-Ecology will help I think
she will. My french teacher spoke with me about truency and I am sure that if she turns me in for truency that my life will
be nothing but hell and I will have her to pin the depression on. I know it has been sometime since I last wrote here in my
journal, I have so many plans for the site but it is just difficult to run this site and update often with the life I live.
Things at home have been ok lately cept few days ago mom and dad got into an argument and everything in the past came back
in their heated exchange of words. I was at the hands of my father the other day and was joking around with him like he always
trys to do with me(its not a good idea him joking with me after all he has put me through) well he took my playfullness serious
and got pissed and started putting me down and his usual your so crude and........ Needless to say I did as I always do and
walked away without a word. I can honestly say that from all that man has put me through I could look someone in the eyes
about to shoot me noticing them feeling scared and say,"You've come this far might as well use that loaded gun, after all
what does one have to live for when that which they were born for is dead." I am currently developing, okay well every once
in a whyle I have been working on a small site that will be a sub to this site, it is going to be a collection of all the
pictures I have taken of graves, tombs, wicked things etc. Well I suppose I shall be going for now the light comes early morrow
and I dare venture to sleep tonight for my body is exhausted. May what you believe in if anything keep and hold you safe.
Darkness like death, is eternal.
~Mortuos~
12/30/02
Well a whole lot has happened with me as of late. I almost completely moved out of my house
because my father and I got into and argument. I stayed a few nights at a friends house and contemplated permanently
living there. My father seems to have anger greater than ever now. I have gotten to the point that I do not argue and just
walk away from him when he confronts me. I have the ability now to drive on my own thank goodness. I have been driving everywhere
trying to stay away from home but more so my father. Work has been taking over i work almost 40 hours every week,
the money is good so i cant complain. Well I shall update more later until than have a dark day or night and find comfort
in the shadows. :)
~Mortuos~
12/12/02
I have a new job at McDonalds making 7.50. I work a whoole lot. I have been buying Christmas
presents even though I dont celebrate the holiday. Things at home have been off and on. I am slipping in school. Im trying
my hardest at pressing myself to get all my school work done but the more I try the harder it get. I have written a few things
lately but havent had the chance to type them up. I am going to try to redidcate myself to writing. I can feel the words beginning
to have meaning again. Life is becoming hard again for me. Its like the world is closing in on me and I am feeling everything
20 times harder. I talked to Jocelyn a few days back her and I reflected on things that went wrong when we were together.
Its sad to think that when together we couldnt ever sit and talk about things. One of us would usually react and than that
was it. I found that my drivers ed has been pushed back further preventing my freedom. I feel like i have totally abandoned
the idea of having a relationship. Its like I look at all my past ones than think that the future will only be the same
drama. I have gotten ahead in my english class and in another since behind. I havent written my researh paper yet but i have
read the whole book the class is reading. I feel tired almost all of the time. I hardly ever sleep so that would explain it.
I am to bed at bout 2:30a.m and than up at 5:30a.m. I sit here now wondering what I should be doing. Well I shall try
to update more often. I am going to add a few poems or a story or something shortly. Until next time I wish you a dark
day/night and peaceful rest. Always and forever alone,
~Mortuos~
11/04/02
Well a whole lot more has happened as of late. Seems as though my original statement good times here
on Earth dont last has been proven to be true. I feel with Erin I have pretty much messed things up beyond repair. I am still
optimistic that her and I will be close friends again. But when I looked into her eyes today I didnt see anything in them
like when we were okay with each other. I used to get a smile from here where as now I am lucky for a hello, the idea of a
hug is insane. Saturday sealed the fate of Erin and I. I just wish I could go back and undo any wrongs I have dont to her.
She means so very much to me and it hurts me to see her look at me as if I shouldnt be allowed to even breath. I couldnt focus
in school at all today. I decided to write Erin a poem and a letter. I honestly dont really think she may have read either
of the two. I just dont know what has turned her away from me all of a sudden. We both made a few bad desicions and now we
should both try to move on from them. I try to but dont understand Erin. Its like I had heard from her she would work on her
notcards for a school project and now ever since the incident its like she hasnt worked on them and isnt really hearing anything
I have to say. A teacher friend of mine said,"You put the word out and said you were sorry now she has to decide what to do
with it and its out of your hands and into hers." I have tried to find a job as of late but my attempts are all failures.
I have to go one day soon for an application to Giant to work as a bag boy. I got out of school today at 1200 my brother came
and picked me up. I almost cried earlier when I looked at how Erin and I have become. We were so close and now are so distant.
I know not what to do but I shall hope that soon my mind finds rest of the issue and I am able to know from Ein if she even
desires a friendship anymore with me. Well I am to go now I have to make a couple of phone calls. I wish you a good day or
night and goodbye.
~Mortuos~
10/30/02
I have had a lot of events happen in my life as of late. I have grown really close to a very
beautiful individual who i must say I value to be one of my best and so far truest friends. Im doing okay in school, cant
say I like going but I must be optimisic and continue to go. All the issues have been resovled in regards to my site when
it comes to the school officials. I havent written any poetry in a whyle I think that I may have lost the ability to write
due to the school ordeal. I shall be getting my licensce in another month. My brother and I have been getting along really
well as of late and my parents have been pretty cool. I have been the driver for my brother as of recent. I am still surpirsed
he lets me drive his camaro. I have school tomorrow but I shall try to write more on another day. As always good day/ night
to you.
09/29/02
I have been in school for a whyle. I've already unfortunately been in a fight. The persons
name was Stephen Lipford, yes the same guy I was in a fight with when I was in the middle school. Needless to say I was kicked
out for five days. Well a bit of sad news, it seems as thought I have lost all my ability to write my poems. I find it hard
to write and clearly express my feelings, cause as of late I am not sure how I feel on anything. Im trying with all my ability
in school, but its like lately Ive been both emotionally and physically drained. Its as if a part of me is dieing or has died.
Well it is 12:39 am I suppose in the nights to come I shall write another passage in these words of my thoughts.
09/07/02
Well I'm back in school. Needless to say I am not thrilled. It seems as though summer was
over before I even noticed. Not much has been going on lately for me. I am to get a job soon. In November I will have my licences
hopefully. Things at home lately have been at ease. Than again I never expect everything to go good for me. I've seen a few
girls in school this year that have caught my eye. Though I know I wont strive to be with any of them. I've never really tried
to pursue anyone. Ummmm...... I've written a lot of poetry as of late, but I have put it on the following site........http://www.drytear.com
Once at that site if one is to search for the name SimplyNothing (which is me) my poetry can be found. I joined the site to
try to get a little more feedback in regards to my poetry. Well I should be off into the night, Im growing restless and sitting
here in front of a machine is making my head hurt.
Your nightmares are my dreams..........................~Dennis~Mortuos~
08/08/02
Well a lot has happened. Went to Philips b.day party, had fun there. After the party
Brad, Philip, Stephanie, Kristen and Myself all went to FunLand. We all played Laser tag, and everyone but the girls rode
go-karts. After going to Fuland we went to Arbys. I broke a few salt shakers sturred up a lot of mess there. After leaving
Arbys we went to Exxon where we saw Philips girlfriend with another guy. She was supposed to have gone to the hospital
but she was out with another guy. Well I saw my exgirlfriend Jocelyn there with Gary, I am told by her him and her arnt together
but everyone I have talked to has told me either they are together or messing around and will go out. At this point I dont
care, she can live her life the way she wants. No further things have went on in regards to Sara. A friend she is, and that
she will stay it looks like. I have kinda persuaded mom and dad into perhaps building a full basement into the
house. It would be pretty cool and give us a lot more room. Well I am gonna go and perhaps take a nap till night comes. Once
again good day good night good life.
~Mortuos~
08/01/02
Well today I am going to do the following: clean hermit crab container, finish painting my
old bed frame black to go in my room, clean room a little, go to grocery store with mother, and call Philip. I am excited
about how my bedframe is coming out, it is looking really good. I am thinking of painting a demon onto the headboard
piece of it. Next major project I am gonna work on is painting my room black. Today I gotta clear out room for my bed in my
room. I find it most intresting Black walls, black bed, Black streamers, blacklight, strobe light, it will truly be awesome.
I suppose I shall go for now, gotta get working on my bed. As always a dark day/ night to you.
~Mortuos~
07/31/02
Well today I finally did something I should have done a
long time ago.... I deleted all the things my ex girlfriend Jocelyn ever sent to me. I figure it is just taking up space on
my hotmail account my sitting around. I decided that all is past with her and I and have moved on and into a sort of loving
to be signle mood. I enjoy being able to go where I want and not reporting to someone every little thing that I do. I have
been looking up stuff for my car and have decided that the first thing I am going to get for my car is a 5 inch monitor with
built in dvd/cd/mp3 player. It is $500. I want after that to get my rims for my car. I have decided to not try and pursure
a relationship with Sara, it seems as though she is enjoying being single like myself. I went for about 2 and a 1/2 hours
today and worked at Iveys. Nina (my former boss) called today and asked if I could come over to help her out and wash all
the dishes. Well for the sake of being nice I decided that I would do so. I started back lasr night writing in my personal
journal, all though this jorunal on here serves for it as well. I have been getting along pretty well with my brother as of
late... its a big surprise to me. My father said yesterday that I am sick and down right crude.... well to my father I have
to say this," Dont judge me for what you want me to be judge me for who I am if at all you must judge." Mom has been doing
pretty good. She told me when I was gone today the dog made her fall and now her knees are starting to hurt again. Poor mom
I love her to death and I cant bare to see her in any type of pain after everything that went on with my father. Mom is a
really good woman she deserves someone to treat her for the goddess she is. My sister and I havent been getting along to well
as of late, oh well doesnt seem possible for everything in life to be going good at any point in time. I saw Sara yesterday
and the day before, what a beautiful person she is. I must say her eyes are the most tempting of all I have seen. I am planning
on going to Philip my cousins bday party this friday... or is it Saturday... oh well cant remember. My friend Hunter and I
are falling apart but hey nothing lasts forever. I decided against going to Kentucky until I am 18. My parents and I
talked about the idea and well they kind of dont want me to leave just yet. I told them I would stay until I am 18, but I
may just stay a bit longer. I am so confused about a certain few females. Janice it seems apparently still has feelings for
me for when I went to her bday party we kissed a few times. Beka I am not sure of either. Jocelyn.... well who knows
whats going on with her anymore, I try not to think about her. And the lady Sara it seems has had her heart hurt so bad that
it seems any relationship for her would be extremely difficult. I had gone to Shauns bday party and his girlfriend and Philips
girlfriend started fighting with the use of words. Being a teenager is such a mess its like the world is spinning so fast
that once something you work so hard to make is completed or looks good it justs spins right off and is gone. I guess in the
end everything just starts over. Like I tell myself sometimes," When your just getting started in life, life is over." Well
gonna type up a few of Poes poems and put them up. The one with Alone I feel greatly describes me and my life. Poe was a genius.
Goodbye, good day or goodnight to you.
~Mortuos~
07/26/02
Well at this point in my life I am seeing only a blur of colors. I have tried recently to
conceal many things from my parents and so far hiding things is working out. The other day I found myself doing something
that I have never done before, going through old emails that my ex girlfriend sent to me. I shed a single tear for the fact
the a year of my life was spent with someone to give up easily over trivial things. I have been talking to the lovely lady
Sara as of late. She is a very dear friend of mine, one I am closer to than any other I shall say. I make a point every
time I talk to her to let her know I love her. She is the most sweet, soft spoken, and intelligent person. I would be
ever so glad to find one such as she to be in a relationship with. I havent really been looking for a job, but I know I need
to or else school this year will be a very sad story. I have abandoned my dream of a hearse temporarily I have my eyes on
a 1999 Cavalier. Well things at home are going steadily along, I have been having my stomach pains very badly lately.
Well all I should write for now is above so off into some thoughful field of nothingness I go.
~Mortuos~
06/18/02
Well things here lately have been interesting. I have learned how to water ski and kneeboard somewhat.
I have been getting a lot of sun lately, but hey tan really isnt that bad is it?? I have grown past my exgirlfriend and wish
her well in life. I celebrated fathers day away from my father and with another person worthy for me to call father. Hmmm
what else has been going on. Well for one I have been kind of tired all of the time. I went for a walk the other night and
came back and than realized I had blood all over my shirt and a bit of what i thought was blood in my mouth. Well i was too
tired to know what actaully happened so I will just say I dont know. I didnt have any cuts or open wounds so it wasnt my blood.
I have had thoughts of going to a church to pay respect to God, but it seems if I step into any church than people are gonna
wanna say, "why do you dress like that or do this or that." I dont need a bunch of self ritgeous christians to tell me whats
wrong with me when they probably have more issues than myself. Well school is out and happy am I. I just need to find a job
now. I got all summer and no job, I need money my bank account is begging for it. Well I shall close with this, "Life
isnt fair and no one will really care."
Always lost in thought,
~Mortuos~
05/30/02
Well I have had much change for me in this past few days. I have learned that I spent a year of my
life with someone who cant tell me that it was love or if it was lust. I see now why I was with someone like her for such
a long time. I see that the relationship I was in was a lesson to me. I was ruled by sin and all I could show her was sin.I
know I will always love Jocelyn. I have faith now in one, and that one is God. It doesnt mean I am gonna change
every dark thing about me. To me me saying I have faith in God again is like a feeling that I was once drowning andd now I
am saved. I just heard you cant ecpect happiness in a relationship when you are not happy with yourself. I see that is extremely
true. I know that Jocelyn is confused right now. I am gonna pray harder than ever for Jocelyn. I know that what God wants
will happen. I pray that the mission shes on that she wakes up one day and realizes that she hurt someone that loves her.
I could have so much more rest if she could just see what love is. I have talked to God about this situation with Jocelyn,
and I said to him, "She is putting me through a lot, everyone I know thinks she has found another guy, well Lord if she
has you show her what she thinks she needs, I would do anything to see her happy." After a whyle I also said to God," If she
calls me one day and decides she wants to make it work, I am gonna tell her that its my turn to think about who I am,
and I am gonna tell her the same she has told me, I need to walk my own path, and if you love me like you say you do, than
you will be willing to give me some time also." I was born again into Christ and I need to know that she will not lead me
from him. I put my faith in God about two days ago. As soon as I did the next day I went to school and everything had worked
itself out for me. I walked a foot away from a water moccasin that was curled up and ready to strike, but yet I was not bit.
I have found that a teacher of mine Mr.Tice has tried real hard to work with me. I thank God for this man. Mr.Tice I see in
a way as sort of a father figure. Well I am gonna get to working on a few other things. But dont think I have changed for
the worse. I am still as dark as ever and I am still gonna devote myself to everything I was before God.
~Mortuos~
05/24/02
Well it has been some time since I last wrote. I have been overwhelmed here lately
with school work. I have gotten back with my girlfriend. A problem with a credit of mine is school presented itself, evidently
I did not recieve credit for my Biology at the beginning of the year. I have started working on my room. I have black balloons
everyhwere, black streams shooting down from the ceiling. I have posters, pictures, my blacklight, and my strobelight all
put up. I still have a ways to go on my room. I have started to get my stomach pains back but have told no one about them
and how sometimes it feels as though a knife has just stabbed me and twisted all around in my stomach. Family has been kind
of settled lately. I know however that a snake does not sleep forever and I know that it will again rear its head and bite
me. Well that is all for now, and as I have told myself here lately,"Life is a game in which there are no winners."
~Mortuos~
04/26/02
Well a few things have happened since the beginning of this month. One really big thing is
my girlfriend and I broke up after a year and few months. I strange enough have always known that I am meant to be alone.
Yeah funny thing in school, a friend of mine made a bet that by the end of the week he said he could find a girl for
me and i said he couldnt. Well I won that bet, for I am a monster, appearance is my downfall. I am the most hideous disgusting
looking creature on this small planet. Lately I have been extremely depressed. I received my report card... ... F in Earth
Science, and something that really upset me was in my favorite class... C in English. I am extremely good in literature and
reading. Even though I misspell a lot, but hey everybodys does. Well I guess I shall be off now for I am starting to babble.
Into the bright forbidding daylight I go.
~Mortuos~
04/10/02
Well not much has happened here lately. One thing was my father and I got into it and I called
the cops on him because him being a 40 year old man felt the need to use physical force to get his point across rather
than using words. I got so upset I stayed at my neighbors that night. I am afraid if it ever happens again with my father
than I will be forced into not dealing wisely with the situation and using his approach to it. That is pretty much all
that has happened lately. I shall write again another day.
04/07/02
Well I have officially started looking for another job. I quit a couple of days agos. I just
woke up and pretty much said to myself you have a very boring job. I called in work the day I quit and said I had found something
else and was movng on. My brother is finally 18, perhaps now he may move out hopefully. My father grew mad
at me two days ago because I had the dog tied in the backyard instead of the front so my sick sister could get some rest.
I just told my father that I was not going to waste my breath and talk to him. I respect him for having a job and
"bringing home the bacon" but he uses that as an excuse to get out of a lot of house stuff. Often my father tries to say he
is the only one that does anything around here.... plain out BS. My father just needs to be more respectable and considerate
of other peoples feelings and not just his own. "All else is swell, in this lifetime of hell." by: ~Mortuos~
04/02/02
I went to the dentist today and got my teeth cleaned. I found out I got a couple of cavities
I gotta get filled but other than that things are going good she said.I read a few articles on the gothic subculture and what
it is and why it is one of the most diverse subcultures there is. I believe at times my stomach problems are arising.
In school I dont eat lunch anymore because of my stomach. I instead drink a bottle of water for lunch. I looked
in the paper today for hearses for sale. I didnt find one, big surprise. My boss and I were joking if I get a hearse I will
probably never get pulled over... lol. I gotta go in tomorrow and scrub and wash and do my usual cleaning and boring
work. I need to find a what I like to call goth friendly job. My boss a week or two ago asked me. What happened to your
fingernails? I was just like well I painted them. He just looked at me like what the (you fi |
